We speak out when we reach the edge of our toleration. We stay silent when we are within the realm of comfort. Every now and then, it is worth checking where that boundary is and if it’s moved, asking why. Simply put, how much do you tolerate?
A friend of mine recently told me that they had “friends with benefits”. These are people they are mates with and occasionally have sex with. This is a common term and there is even a film by that name. It would be easy to sound judgmental in criticising this. Jesus tells us very clearly that we are not to judge (Matt:7v1), but to be and shed light (Matt:5v14). I believe questions are a useful tool here. Jesus asked a lot of them. When we question what people mean and ask them to explain the value behind their words, the truth often comes to light.
For example, when I ask my friend, “what are the benefits you receive?”, they have to unmask the euphemism and it becomes a less comfortable place. I ask “how does it make that person feel?”, or “how much do you value that person?” or “have you always had friends with benefits?”. By asking questions like this, we get under the surface of what people are saying and prompt them to question their own actions.
The same goes for getting blind drunk. I recently asked a student, “can you tell me about what you love about being drunk?” or “do you always wish you had the confidence you experience when drunk?” The person that I asked answered honestly, “I don’t love being drunk, but everyone does it and I don’t want to feel left out. I don’t even feel that confident when drunk but I forget about how rubbish life is.”
I have also been asking my student friends about their casual use of the word “frape”. This stands for “facebook rape” and describes when someone uses your account to say something abusive so it looks like you have said it. I have simply asked them “what does the word “frape” mean?” and without fail people have reassessed their use of the word. Rape is a horrific thing and I believe the word “frape” desensitises people to this.
The line of toleration keeps getting moved. What is acceptable keeps changing. But the worst thing we can do is judge others and give an opinion when it isn’t being asked for. I reckon people are uncertain of their actions anyway and just need to be asked “are you sure about this?”
So let’s become brilliant question askers. Let’s put an element of doubt in people’s seemingly resolute minds about what is good and right. Is it really sex with mates? Is it really getting battered? Is it really OK to use words like frape? I’m not so sure our friends really think it is - so let’s ask the question.
