I’m sure we’ve all been crippled by avoidance at times.
It’s a paradox that sometimes when you know something really needs to be done, you find yourself incapable of starting down the path to doing it. I participated in this practice for the hour before I began writing this article. Even then the process of bashing out letters felt like starting a pre-war tank that had been found rusting in a French farmer’s field.
I finally got it going in the end and in the process, it also started me thinking.
- Why was I avoiding?
- Why not just get on with it?
- What root is feeding this unhelpful behaviour?
Sipping my tea, (coffee has run out, maybe that’s something to do with it) I began reflecting on what was going on. Why did it feel so difficult to get going? Was it a boring task I wasn’t looking forward to? No. Did I feel underprepared? No. Did I have the equipment and facilities I needed to complete the task? Yes, well, except for the coffee that is. As I asked myself these questions, suddenly, illuminated in the murk of introspection, the answer came to me. I was putting myself under so much pressure to write something great, I felt I couldn’t even start. I needed to write something brilliant and there was a battle going on in my subconscious. Part of me felt it was better not to even begin rather than write something rubbish. Another part was slightly afraid that if I did try and start nothing would happen. There was a crazy mix of ‘need to achieve’ and ‘fear of failure’ going on at the same time.
I came to the unfortunate realisation then when it comes to having my identity and worth wholly in who God says I am, I’m not quite there yet. So I decided to just write anyway. Anything, just get some words down on the page and see what happens. As I did, more light was shed on the situation. God knew that we humans can be crippled by fear and I started to get a deeper glimpse of the freedom Jesus offers to his followers.
Mark records Jesus saying “Don’t be afraid; just believe.” (5:36) It sounds too simple doesn’t it, but sometimes I think we have to practise the childlike faith of ‘just believing’. There’s a time to question, to ponder and to wrestle but there’s also a time to step off the edge, just believe and trust that God will help us, that he’ll always be with us.
So I started typing and this blog tapped out on a Friday morning isn’t going to win a Pulitzer but I’m still here, nothing bad happened and God is still working in me, with me, helping me figure out what it means to be a follower of Jesus today. We’ve probably all got things we’re avoiding, and certainly for a variety of reasons not covered here. I wonder whether in the midst of these avoided tasks and responsibilities, there’s an opportunity to discover a new level of freedom, a chance to try trusting and taking steps to becoming more the people God always intended us to be.
