‘We exist to equip people with the tools they need to build God-centred relationships, especially for those who are single or dating’. That’s what I say when people ask what I do, and this often leads to further questions about dating apps, knowing when to commit, breaking-up well, and many questions like this.
Recently my friend asked a question that I get asked constantly: ‘How do I begin a relationship?’
People frequently dismiss this question, and unhelpfully respond with something like ‘Just ask and see what happens’. But there is often more to this question, and my friend, a committed Christian in his early 20s, was fearful.
Fearful of letting everyone down
After talking for a bit, it became clear to me that he was fearful about the potential for a future break-up, and he thought this would be letting everyone down at church.
‘You cannot carry everyone’s expectations into a new relationship’
That's what I said to him, because we live in a society that constantly teaches us relationships should be ‘perfect’. This married (pun unintended) with the fact that churches are full of matchmakers and couples hanging out with other couples, many feel they need to start a perfect relationship otherwise they’re letting everyone down.
I said to him that being fearful about letting others down as we strive for an unattainable ‘perfect’ relationship causes us to focus on the wrong thing.
Fear of it going wrong
It was also clear he was worried about it going wrong, one of them getting hurt now or in the future, getting rejected, or something similar.
So I (pastorally) said ‘It may not work out, and that's okay’.
Really?
In the book of Ruth, we read about Ruth and Boaz starting a relationship. Now Ruth and Boaz weren’t ‘dating’, but their relationship is relevant. It’s relevant because they may not have ended up together (Ruth 4:1-12), it could have gone horribly wrong and she could have married someone else.
However, throughout the book they are constantly asking ‘how do we honour God and the other person in this relationships? How do we act selflessly and honestly?’ And they are both spoken of highly.
Focus
So I said to my friend, instead of letting fear distract you, focus on respect, honesty, selflessness, not leading her on and honouring God as you begin a relationship.
